Every Fucking Platform

We argued on the evening before lockdown
The lonely morning made it sweet again 
But by the time we needed food from Woolies
Everything I said was wrong and you cursed me in the rain
We split up for a while after a phone call
I pinged you six days later on WhatsApp
I was hoping that the break 
Would make things go a little better for us
And for a little while it almost did

Now I’m having drinks in front of YouTube
And I’m trying hard to forget your name
I’m staring at the label of a bottle of Corona
And every fucking platform feels the same

You said you had a question about Fleabag
But all of my replies were left on read
And when I checked on Facebook you were posting cats
And screenshots of your Duolingo French
Foolishly, I followed you to Twitter
Like a ghost I doomscrolled Trump and Kamala
And all the bright young things
Were throwing up their takes on Harry Potter
While I stared at your unfollowed avatar

Now I’m watching egirls dance on TikTok
And they’re singing that bloody sea shanty again
And I can’t believe I’m dancing to this but a cute girl liked my last one
And every fucking platform sounds the same

While waiting for a coffee with my mask on
An email from you brought me to Discord
But all the channels seemed to be for tankie poly rationalists
And anyway, it sounded like you weren’t alone
So I drifted till I ended up on OnlyFans
A horny platform for a troubled soul
And for a month I paid a woman far too much
To flash her tits and make me feel trolled

Now I’m sitting playing rounds of DOTA
And a Chinese guy wants me to know his name
And I can echo idioms
In seven different acronyms 
But every fucking platform looks the same
Cya l8r, 88, gg, ragequit, brb
Every fucking platform’s just the same

(With a debt to Paul Kelly’s original.)